it stings

i should. i know. it still stings. it hurts. i cry and i still don't know. why i sit to the right and leave you the left spot, even though you are not around. it's like you're not here, when you are here. you ignore the language that reaches out. i crumble with the rejection. am i making you uncomfortable again?

i wish. i know. it still is the same. you thought i'd healed. some stripes never lose their spots. i hate it that i name pillows after you. it's these conversations that i have in my room. they are keeping me up, waking every alternate hour. do i have to do this again?

i fall. i tell tales. inside its a cold dark room. i've been waiting for so long for a father like you. the irony of it lies in your inability to show love, the very nemesis that makes me feel safe without having to look behind my back. but why am i so afraid to ask?

i hide. i play it down. i don't know what to say. or how to begin. where it ends or what i seem to want.

i just need you to take the lead. ask the questions again. open your arms when the sun comes out. nudge me out from behind the shadows. stretch out your hands and give this soul a lift. for i am tired of fighting for attention and grace. just so i can feel like a family again.

it still stings. i hope you'll still be here.

30

Few surrounds are turning the big decade. And they say good things come in multiples of the idea. The spring season has brought with it a slew of events, parties, plans that's been keeping me up on my feet, on my sleep, on my consciousness. Hay fever hasn't quite hit yet and I am not expecting it this year. Winter days are over and the warm melt of the sun and light hints of ashes settled in the dust of the earth.

My step forward has taken me places I never dreamt of going. One thing remains from the wear out. This heart that still refuses to make it easy on myself, still choosing to lay it down, love like it's the last day of the planet, still hurting from the wounds brought fresh back from the scar memories.

Has it been a year since my demise? Today was the exact day where I yielded my truant days and stepped in spirit stupor, filled to my mind's eye, flooded with breath test epic disasters. I remember the happy clouds. The brisk night where I sang random made up songs to a japanese girl, and said that I could spend my weekend in the pool without a care.

Yet a year later, when it all shaves off, I am still left with a clear head, clearer than before and a heart that cares even more. Which hurts even more.

I spent my last thirty on bags and bags of stuff from the store and turned them into a party for dinner to love the way I have always done. My heart on the chopping board, my gift in the wok and ladle. Silver and gold I had none, all I have was my hands and words. It made my day complete when it sounded meaningful. I don't know what grace we have both found to be in arms like that, trusting with our backs turned, simple, saying it with more than just words and choice silver. Makes me think I can do anything.

There's much ahead in these thirty something steps. There will be fans, friends, and those who will remain family. In this I am blessed. In this I am chastised. In this I am bound and loved even though I am still undecided between obligation and grace. In my freedom, what fights will I pick, what parties will I suit up, who will I celebrate with, what will i show for?