holding my breath

and it's not helping. perhaps it is cold turkey, the pseudo professional in you, says. i'm in the circle and all i see are the boundaries and so can you, even outside of the circumference. my words have failed me miserably lately. i can see how the bad grammar have infused my use and honestly i am not as cool about it as i was.

i had a sunday epiphany when the normal ramble of your usual self stuck itself out like a sore thumb. and i'm a sucker for it, i give it that, that I listen and patiently let you let your air out, without prejudice. i realised some people have trajectories set out for them, ever since their DNA was locked into flesh and blood. some fly, some walk maimed, some blaze into the horizon easily, effortlessly. i sat there hearing the words coming out of a young damsel, filtered through your lens and i thought to myself, what about me?

we are the sum of our history and choices we make.

i am still figuring out a lot of the basics my folks have yet to get to. So this is the legacy they left me with. A pair of hands, a mind refusing to be bought out, a heart on the sleeve, hoping to find the kind of love that will finish this long drawn circle of life. i've been missing the dots and i can see why. the kingdom i am building comes with a lot of missing instructions and resources. mostly with broken tools that will break the fingers. so, this struggle for affection is a borrow on your social grace. but what happens when love is not enough to power up what had been lacking in your good self?

so here i am. turning to this forsaken canvas once again. for my words have been the double edged sword and we're both severely wounded. i'll make the best of my remaining years and hope you don't grow tired of listening to me. there's still so much more and we're not done yet. for these uncertain times, i still my heart. to love but quietly and recede into the dark. i'm an acquired taste so here, me, now, i'm holding my breath, hoping for the best.