mind & body

There is that feeling that you know you are going to fall quite terribly ill. The neck is hurting, the eyes are watery, the body is nervous and restless. Yet i will not go to bed easily without being present to my thoughts and what this stir within is to wake me up to.

This week has been the longest. Every waking hour, I am in different postures, on the couch, on my knees, squatting, pulling every ounce and penny of energy to synchronize the efforts. I haven't rested properly since the spell of this freedom. This freedom to be. But i feel like I have abused it and made a mockery with my hands and feet slaved to the plough and chugging on like a train without end.

It takes discipline to rest and say no and shut down those reminders, pop ups and bring myself back to what really matters.

As i walked inside and surprised my best friend, it gave a fright to her toddler son and he started crying. I felt bad for a moment but soon enough, he was playing with my hair, or lack of, looking at me with peculiar eyes, pointing at me with keen interest and sharing my dinner wrap. We almost could not leave the house as the boy started to cry when mum said goodbye for us to head out to some chocolate indulgence. Mum had been home for most of the day and the week and it was a rare treat to get out, eat some fruit and chocolate belgian waffles and laugh ourselves silly over the linguistic antics of a friend's office cat called Duke Orange - The Orangeatron.

Moments like these, I come back to realizing that nothing is quite that sacred. It's all about the relationships we built and the kind of banter that we can have because we fought and know we can just be.

This evening was a rare treat. Right up there with the SYTYCD, SlamDunk nights along with conversations and disagreements and the wrestles that pull and tug and tear at the seams so that the new can be created.

I sleep tonight with thankful hands and a heart un-obligated. May this ache on my blade and neck go away. May the seeming fractures on my knees and back heal with the warmth of the night and the balm of the spirit's whisper.

Feels Better Now - words & melody: Charles Tan

http://thecommoncouch.wordpress.com
Visit the website for more original music.

Feels Better Now
Give me something to believe in
Not just some sunday morning feel good shit
i've got enough of your therapy and all your lies
Now look what you've done

Stop trying to fix what's meant to be broken
i'm a new born human not some crack job case
I know you can tell that everything is breaking down
But how the hell do you know what's going on

Chorus:
I wish I was ten feet stronger
I wish I was a little taller
For you for me for everybody else to see

I wish I was a little happier
Lately i've been feeling helpless
But now that you're here, it feels better now
I am two seconds from finding all i want
two steps away from losing everything i got
why do i always have to screw up all the goodness,
All the goodness in my life
Just being me, i've got too much affection
I know i lose balance and I'm falling fast
I forget who I am, if you can save my day, then get over here right now

I don't know what changed this morning
But when you sat right here next to me
I found the reason to live, to give, you see,
thank you for your copy of grey's anatomy.

I wish I was ten feet stronger
I wish I was a little taller
For you for me for everybody else to see
But lately i been feeling brighter
Seems to me when you're simply here
For whatever that's worth, it feels better now

http://thecommoncouch.wordpress.com

the tree

i'm sitting here at the end of the first day of the week, waiting for my brother to holla and pick me across to home. the sudden freakshow of wind and rain has made my feet difficult to track home. i'm a little exhausted. I'm feeling a little fried in the brain. maybe this is how my friend feels at this hour of the day. the friend whose table i have been using for the entire afternoon.

i have not stopped working since the beginning of the weekend, friday. From editing to copywriting to editing again, I have spent most of my waking hours staying up till wee hours to push the edges of this creation. forgiveness can be a drug that keeps me going and going and going even though my adrenalin has run so low that the pain on my back has come back.

But today, for a long time coming, i can say that i am feeling really happy and fulfilled. it's the feeling that you know what you've done today has built something. like the time you built you first volcano model out of playdoh. or the solar system model you built with ping pong balls and steel wires.

today i felt like i built a small chip in the convolution of the universe at work. I feel good.

haven't felt this good in years.

Was having lunch and conversation turned to forgiveness and the picture of a tree that gives freely because after all, it can still keep growing fruits. How can we be a world like these giving trees?

I'm not making any sense. Perhaps afterwards I might find my mojo back. I need to rest.

curse of a song

How it hits, I don't know. It's not just the melody and the words. They come like an uninvited demand on my life, stealing away the kind of joy that only lasts moments. How is it that a song haunts my life that I cannot drive the pain in my ligament away? Tonight, i wish i had none of these burdens, that I may travel light, pack myself into a suitcase, stored away and only spring to life when convenience calls.

Yet i am more than that. Yet, the voice that cries on behalf of the hurting is the very poison that stings. God have mercy on me. What ransom have you placed on my life that the heavy weight drags my feet now? What are you doing in the centre of this chaos? Is this your way of answering our common prayers? Why do you stubbornly push me to the edge time and time again? Are you not concerned that you might lose my grip? Does it not hurt you that I might derail this highway? Will you not budge when the waters rise and my spirit willfully tests your patience? If you are my father, if you love me, go easy on my pacemaker. I don't trust myself and you shouldn't give me too much credit. For why do you surround me with philosophers to call me to your presence when your presence brings the very absence of company and common ground?

Where are the feet that fill these shoes if common unity is what you intended? What is the meaning in the art of your contradictions?

There's a picture of an empty dressing room tucked away inside an overcrowded stadium. What joy is there to be in a room full of glitter but distant and alone? No tears can ever explain away the depth of the pain. No money can ever buy the medication necessary. No achievement can ever replace the skin graft, the deep tissue, the familiar scent that reminds you of home and a safe place to call family.

What good is it to be on top of the world with no one around?

I will have none of it. I will die a thousand deaths to hang tight on this stupor and squalor. I'd give away all my wealth, my intellect, my credentials, all the miles and storehouses of blueprints and plans. For I would rather be ashes to dust than be without meaning and love. What is another 10 years, what is another 20 years, what is another lifetime? I know I can't win you in this struggle, but you know very well you made me this way and this is how stubborn I am. I will twist your arm even if it breaks mine for good.

So what if you burnt my fingers? I'm already in the eye of your perfect chaos.

For I have come to turn “‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law— “Anyone who loves his father or
mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter
more than me is not worthy of me;" - Mat. 10:35,37