fix

it's wearing out. this fix. i draw the blinds and curtains so no one sees the scars and scratch on the wrist. this better not be just another time out. i want to watch all the movies and screenings and live inside a make believe world because my reality is just too dumb fucking hard to live through. hasn't life always handed me a stick? now i still am walking out in the rain alone, to the cool of the jazz music not really doing anything but stick up for me like a plexi sound barrier to keep the folks in the other room safe in their nest, undisturbed.

so here i am alone again. with no hope of the warm hug ever surfacing, for since these many weeks ago, this hospital bed is abandoned, forgotten and left conveniently rolled out of sight. i know, i am inconvenient and perhaps it is time to give it all up and throw it all in.

but something says, not yet. not yet?

Save The Day

Recorded Live at Carmen Tong's Album Launch as part of the opening set on 22/02/2008. Thanks to Sarah Ann Tay. Featuring GuoJin on Drums, Seong Lee Ang on keys and backing vox, Devon Vong on Guitars, Grace Chin-Lenn on Acoustic, Rodney Chieng on Bass and myself on vocals and guitars.

Adapted from Psalms 120 & 121, this is one of the song of ascents. I often wondered what a modern day psalmist would sound like when they scale their mountains and valleys and what melodies they'd put to these ancient poetry. This is my interpretation, certainly reflective of my personal cry in so many parts of my journey as a son learning to walk in the shadow steps of the Father. This is "Save The Day".


I lift up my eyes to the hills
where does my help come from
It comes from the maker of heaven and earth
The maker of my soul
Oh yeah the maker of my soul
Oh yeah, Oh Yeah the maker of my soul

[Verse 2]
i call on the Lord in my darkest hour
and He answers me
He has delivered me from my fear
and he hides me under his wings
Oh yeah in the shadow of His wings
Oh yeah, Oh Yeah in the shadow of His wings

[Chorus]
My God, My God
How awesome is your name
My God My God
How awesome is your name
There is no one else like you
No one else who would save the day

[Verse 3]
Save me Oh lord from these lying lips
those that contemplate my soul
Save me oh lord from these meaninglessness
And these shadows that cower over me
Oh yeah, won't you come and save the day
Oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm crying out to you.

[Bridge-Verse]
i searched for the Lord in hour of rest
and He quiets my soul
He has delivered me fro my fear
oh the Lover of my soul
Oh yeah the Lover of my soul
Oh yeah, Oh Yeah the Lover of my soul

high

it's effortless, this high, to be on cloud nine. last day at work, new career on monday and a kick ass set to play tonight. 250 pair of ears. my biggest crowd down south so far. it's been almost 10 years since i picked myself up to do a show like this. i'm thankful for carmen's album launch, the new strat, the old POD Line6 that's still working wonders, the marshall amp from church, the boys i'm playing with tonight and a place for my shuffling feet. good things come in multiple of threes.

it feels like a wean off the overdose. not that i can't be present to the now, but, there's always a "but", always a sliver of panic underneath the belly, tugging away at the nerves, sending shivers to my fingers as they tap discreetly on this overused keyboard. i think about straight jacket restraints and how they work to save yourself from hurting and multilating. just two nights ago, i smashed the fan to the floor with my head. it still hurts like a glowing warning sign. i need human intervention, don't give me no God spiritual emo shit. In my anger, i am trying not to sin. But already, I'm falling short, severely.

A year ago, i found a way to live. To live for others, feed them, clothe them, embrace them and feed on their gratitude and grace. Much like Patch Adams, for a while it was good, in the beginning, when hands were receiving and our feet walked with cooperation. And then the story hits a tension, when the ones you care about the most, the ones you have no idea you let inside, the ones you trust, changes. Does it now take a butterfly and a divine visitation to remind me of goodness, grace, mercy flowing from the throne room we've all been cultured upon?

This feels like 99 when I was in LA. The air was different, expectant. I dreamt of playing out in the suburbs, following festivals and events to play to a potential international audience. I suppose this is a dream come true, playing outside of the little island i was born in. Tonight, it feels like, it all begins. Or maybe i am clearly deluded and caught up in an artificial clingwrap whirlwind.

I don't know how my feet will land tomorrow, or the day after, but all i know is that this feels like an emergency hand up. For now, as I memorise these for tonight, may it bridge me to the next sunrise....

Awakening - lyrical genius of Jon Foreman, Switchfoot

face down with the LA curbside endings, with the ones and zeros, downtown was a perfect place to hide. the first star that i saw last night was a headlight and a man made sky but man made never made our dreams collide, collide

here we are now, with the falling sky and the rain, we're awakening here we are now, with our desperate youth and pain, we're awakening maybe it's called ambition, and you've been talking in your sleep, about a dream, we're awakening...

last week saw me living for nothing but deadlines and a deadbeat sky, but this town doesn't look the same tonight. these dreams started singing to me out of nowhere and in all my life i don't think that i ever felt so alive, alive...

here we are now, with the falling sky and the rain, we're awakening here we are now, with our desperate youth and pain, we're awakening maybe it's called ambition, and you've been talking in your sleep, about a dream, we're awakening...

i wanna wake up kicking and screaming i wanna wake up kicking and screaming i wanna know that my heart's still beating, it's beating, i'm bleeding

i wanna wake up kicking and screaming i wanna live like i know what i'm leaving i wanna know that my heart's still beating, it's beating, it's beating, it's beating, i'm bleeding....

here we are now, with the falling sky and the rain, we're awakening here we are now, with our desperate youth and pain, we're awakening maybe it's called ambition, and you've been talking in your sleep, about a dream, we're awakening dreams, we're awakening...

Personal Anthem

guojin on drums, charlieboy on vocals/guitar, all words music charlieboy.

yes i have been youtubed. thanks to sarah ann tay.



It's close to closing time. Haven't made up my mind. To what I want from life. It's gonna be a while, be another hour to play this game of, "seek and you shall find"

//And I get the feeling that I am not alone, though I'm feeling low, mostly, on this road less travelled. But I know the feeling that I am on my own, Just like you said, its my personal fight. (like you always said, its my personal anthem)//

Figures and numbers, prolific dreamers, unfinished business, keeping score all night. I know I don't play these games well. I break all the rules, I'm letting us down. But can you count backwards with me now, 4321...

//And I get the feeling that I am not alone, though I'm feeling lonely, on this road less travelled. But I know the feeling that I am on my own, don’t mean to be an ass, but this is my personal anthem.//

BRIDGE:
I've been swimming in my ocean of my words and arguments. These philosophers have failed me so far. But can I stand on your shoulders made of legends and giants. For all i know is when it's right, I'll be so much better than I am now, so don't give up on me.

So don't give up on me, so don't give up on me, yeah...

last orders

carry me on your back, if there is space you can make. share me the warmth of your room, if there is space in your heart to create. tuck me in the safety of your arms and nestle me in the resolve of your breath, if you count me as significant. i know i am not the best companion. i let you down so many times and i don't get my act together enough to make you proud. but these clutches and diseased body wants to be healed, wants to get better, wants to be a friend in need, wants to be independent, strong, focussed, courageous, just like you are.

there are voices, demons and memories that tug and pull away. there are choices trying to make me crack. i don't want to end up down in the gutter, irreparable, twisted. the past, i can't change. but the past is what i have when i look forward and it demarcates these things that make it hard for me to stick it out with hope. i want to create reality, good memories to fuel the already flickering hope that dies every now and then. that is why i ask you these favors and say these affectionate strange things. that is why i seem to be a strange person living inside a seemingly healthy body. when the heart and mind is sick, good medicine is creating good and meaningful routines, structures, predictable and reliable relationships.

will you step in, into the water and help me put me back together before the nicotine and rum runs out and blows out my life?

Web

I am frodo. Suspended, spun, spewed from the mouth of the giant spider's web, like a fly trapped, in fear, insecure, groundless. Don't blame me if i don't appear human. For i am covered with poison and my body is cold and woven into a thick disturbed sleep. with whatever breath I have left, I am uttering phrases, incoherent and unspoken, for mercy from the venom, that it will not get the better of me, that it will not lead me toward the light and so tunnel me down into the deep abyss and find my feet landing on loving hands and arms that embrace with an ulterior motive, for a piece of me for their inner most pleasures, to steal and plunder and strip out my skin leaving me bones and blood on the morgue table, dried and dirty.

i am desperate for air, to come out alive. i am desperate. please don't mistaken me for your foe, or the boy who cried wolf who needs to be erased. i'd rather be beaten by fathers who love me, than be pleasured by faux men who speak with care. i'd rather die by the sword, than these needles that stick me from the back. i want to be alive but i might be better off dead than give in to the screaming toddlers inside my womb.

They say, i don't have to bear it on my own.

But alone is all I feel. This is different. It does not help to sit with the alcoholics and prostitutes. It'll only bring me further into the deep. For when attraction ignites, i veer towards the night and lose the plot. I don't want to lose it all. I want to walk in the light, by rivers of water, by the path laden with righteousness.

That's why i stick to the righteous who walk with confidence. Even though there be arrogance, I know the smell when i sense one, almost an obsession to hang on, align, clench tightly till my finger pale, so that somehow, the faith and strength to carry the burden and lay it down will infuse into my being. Just by being around these great little giants. For i know these giants will grow me up into my own shoes and one day reign with the kings in the land.

Keep me from temptation, but feed me with this breath of life.

down here

under the deep sombre sky, we can hear everything. the footsteps in the upper room, the snore from the neighbor's house, the chatter on the cell phone, my anger beating against the wall. it's wafer thin. wear me out, skin by skin, tissue by tissue, drip me dry till this desire is smite. what good is there to be without emotion? what good is there to be distant and still so broken?

there is always an easy way out. distractions with the good things like church, like charity, like chasing bright colored neon rainbows. or there's another being we can snuggle up to, all warm and safe, under a blanket, under the big grey sky, under the stars that shine. underneath it all, learning to engage again with mankind, how we are meant to be, how we are to respect our shadows.

i just want to work this through, is it so hard to give just an inch that will make all the difference? nicotine and rum, they shall be my poison to carry me into my deep sleep.

patience

it's burning me inside. consuming every remaining strand of hair. my skin is stretched, pulled apart. why am i anticipating this much? am i too impatient to find my penance? I'm afraid i will run out of time. I just want a simple gesture of assurance. to tuck me under these sheets without a longing that is gnawing at my toes and thighs. will YOU be as cruel to toy with this rescue? How can YOU call yourself my father when your hands and feet are still missing? How is it that YOU are God and you take this kind of risk with me? Is it worth it to lose me to the raging river? Is it worth it to push me to the edge with all this poison inside my marrow, just so YOU get all the glory?

I don't get it.

unchartered

i know. this is hard for you. these unfamiliar territories. these special orders are not easy for you. yet the irony of it all, is that the last thing that will keep me from losing the plot is the very thing that you are not acquainted with. is the very thing you hate to hear.

the very thing i need.

the thing i need to get over this one last thing that may just defeat all the work and reverse all the little victories won in years past. the pressure on you to be my go to guy is real and you know this comes down to life and death. already the chalk marks have surfaced on the wrist and I'm walking in much fear and trembling. i guess i am trying to make it hard for me to choose the easy way out.

i look up to you, as my big brother. i trust you with so much, that some days i don't know how i got here. i don't want to be a burden or risk writing a suicide letter. you know very well the word surrounding you. the strength and example my own father never wore. bless his heart though he is at a better place, what shoes he never fit into has left a deficit that i am trying to overcome. for the sake of my children. for the sake of the woman i will marry. for the sake of me as a man.

i don't want you to sleep with something hanging over your head. so tonight, i will miss the hug and hope tomorrow brings a stronger update to the meaning you are looking for. that i love you too much to be selfish.

it begins again

we chop out, change, let ourselves fall prey to philosophies that shift and shade us in colors and tones we later regret. it is a despicable habit of mankind to woo the unknown, ride the superstitious and in the searchlight of all that, we mostly get lost. the difference is that some of us know it, some of us don't.

i don't know if i know but this instinct is telling me i need to erase the lines surrounding my life, the carefully demarcated boundaries that have served no purpose but to make the abyss deeper, drown the already wounded soul and snuff out the real voice.

there are a few things i need to do, some needing my attention. urgently, and most days i try to tell myself it is not too late. which wire do we cut? blue, red or white? or do we leave them be?

all i know, is a tapestry of all the train rides, rendezvous and broken ground rules now in one volume, different packaging, post modern.

the guard is down.