unchartered

i know. this is hard for you. these unfamiliar territories. these special orders are not easy for you. yet the irony of it all, is that the last thing that will keep me from losing the plot is the very thing that you are not acquainted with. is the very thing you hate to hear.

the very thing i need.

the thing i need to get over this one last thing that may just defeat all the work and reverse all the little victories won in years past. the pressure on you to be my go to guy is real and you know this comes down to life and death. already the chalk marks have surfaced on the wrist and I'm walking in much fear and trembling. i guess i am trying to make it hard for me to choose the easy way out.

i look up to you, as my big brother. i trust you with so much, that some days i don't know how i got here. i don't want to be a burden or risk writing a suicide letter. you know very well the word surrounding you. the strength and example my own father never wore. bless his heart though he is at a better place, what shoes he never fit into has left a deficit that i am trying to overcome. for the sake of my children. for the sake of the woman i will marry. for the sake of me as a man.

i don't want you to sleep with something hanging over your head. so tonight, i will miss the hug and hope tomorrow brings a stronger update to the meaning you are looking for. that i love you too much to be selfish.