gambling it away

Like Mrs Potter's Lullaby, these thoughts and tunes walk in and out of every room. Remnants of 1999 where hope was technicolor and youth was the propeller's power. I'm tired. They all tell me to stop gambling it away. That it is time to stop this nonsense. I don't know of any other way to live and I am stubborn. I am hopeless so it seems.

KT Tunstall is 32 this year. Drastic Fantastic, the sophomore, is coming out in a few days. She is still hopeless.

I know it doesn't last. But this is the take off that I am waiting for. I'm tired of waiting. For good company to be on the same bus and plane to cities and townships to tell good heart to heart stories. That people are tired of hearing the same dream. That I became a nomad for a season was for good reason. So many visions in my head. So much inertia and patience to be had. So little visiting hours.

Why do you toy with me? That I am in a spiral concentric circle. Coughing away the years in a smoke filled fireplace. My aches are wanting. My restlessness is showing.

Save me O Lord from these lying lips. The very ones that contemplate my soul. Who steer me in the direction of their agendas and motives. Save me from meaninglessness. From well meaning well wishers who see something else that I don't agree. Only You my God, my trust and my strength, my only source of hope. For there is no one else like You who will save me day by day, step by step. My spirit aches and groan for something more. Something more than the obvious.

Save me from misunderstanding minds. Save me from a life cut short from expectations, status quo and delinquent fractions.