listening aid

that it tires my bones
to hear this well packed out
well eloquent moral of the story
where did my patience, wonder and amazement go?
have i lost the plot
lost the love i have inside of me
that it feels perhaps that i am all empty inside
unable to cry
watching nonchalantly
listening to what sounds like another round of rationalization
manipulation, bent, so it becomes convenient
so the conscience is easy.

where Oh where, is your first love?
where Oh where, have you sold your dreams?

that now, i find it too painful to remain faithful
loyal, and watch your back.
i am losing it again
a second or a third or whatever this may be
to find your ears still deaf
your heart still stone cold
your flesh still louder than the cry of the spirit

but who am i to play God?
who am i to you anyway?

if i walk away, will my shadow leave with me?
if i stay, do i wait in self righteous anger?
for i am not complete myself
not even any step ahead of you
for i have my own demons
and i am still deaf to my own pride and ego
that i am still living in the very of sin

i lay down my sword
time and time again
but this night
the pain reached a new depth
that i am once again an over used recyclable canvass
that i don't know how i got here
how i am just a blemish on your windscreen
how i am just a sideshow convenient dog

that i want to matter more than just your punching bag
that i want to be more than just your fall back when you fall down
that i want to be acknowledged and spoken to, not just when you feel like it,
that i want to know my existence is important to you

so, in this epic episode,
why do i feel like i have been crossed?