open season

I've hit a gash in the road. well this is the second. this time, i made the choice to walk and i am walking dry now as it stands. i lose my cool, on the one closest to me. and it's not cool.

i wish i could take it back. but part of me wouldn't have it any other way.

it's like something in me always goes looking for trouble. am i restless again like it was in the 1990s? i never meant for it to come across that way. God knows what damage I have done with you. I'm really sorry and I hope you can still trust me.

there's a bland bitter taste in my mouth trying to sort through them job ads, plowing through every cover letter and discovering dust and cobwebs on my resume in need of attention. it doesn't help that those foreboding voices in my head is louder than ever during this time. and some moments i give in and my head caves, the past comes back like an eager sex drive on my heels for news and calamity.

I've survived so many storms before, what more this one?

Except, this feels like the calm before the storm. Not even close. I'm sitting at the brim of it, engulfed with fear, not knowing, just really silent, in case i miss out on the voices that will bring me hope.

But what am I waiting for? Why do I wait? My neck is sore, my lower left back is stiff and my body is in so much pain. I'm waiting for the arrival of equipment to bridge these technical gaps. Things out of my control. I woke up this week wanting to put all of my soul onto the digital bar, track every nuance and capture each lingering mood. Only to find them interrupted by buzz bleep click pop intrusions and noise, the result of low voltage transmission. Or at least how i figure it to be.

I know there's always going to be snags on the way. Not that anything owes me my time, but something I would rather do without.

So now I'm musing, inside the new cafe that sits more like an art museum chic club, trying to gather my strength and do something productive. Like hunting. Maybe it'll come to me, my realignment, now that I am out of the place I spent the last 48 hours in.

Something in me still yearns for a short message to tell me it's ok. But the more i say it, the tougher it gets. That, is the currency of real love in action. I just have to keep believing and trusting.

I will be better. I will get better. I'm just, not there yet.