End of the day

I am glad Monday is here again. Routines holding my hand through till it all goes away. These days the therapy of cold turkey and forced to live alone again is quite painful and somehow I think I am too used to it. Most times I just want to duck under the sheets and sleep it off and wait for the morning to bring me new hope.

Mondays are special and I love Mondays. Signifies the start of the new week, an end to another weekend of silence and solitude and aimless wander in the city. It's the part when everything dies and there is a shift in the air, knowing that snow falls on those who are without events, purpose and companions. When it's funny that weekends should be when every life, possibility, movie dates, trips, markets, communion would take place. I find myself unwilling to walk along with just about anyone. Stuck between the two faces of the same coin unable to speak my mind and show my emotions. Too many questions and too many reasons to keep it in.

So I usually take random choices. Run away from the intruding crowd and its not their fault. Run away from all of it. Such as walking home in the rain on my own for 2 hours, or wait on the park bench for some sun to warm me up, or sneak into the safety of a busy mall and hide behind the face of some magazine till my brother calls and the ride is ready. I remember it's like trying to watch some great movie and cry myself satisfied but no one to share the joy with.

I want life. I want deep connect. I want my nets to be tossed into the wind. I want to know I am no longer some sidekick who needs to know next to nothing but keep everything intact and calm on the outside. I want to hang out, run along, no longer in want and no longer always sounding desperate for routines. I want to step outside of this silent wall and fill the void with something more than alcohol can numb out. Please don't let me turn to my easy drug again.

But so it seems, baby steps, new religion, breakthroughs and new social graces in the light of 600 reps. The roast dinner expanded tonight and I no longer need to be cutting up the beef or making sure there's water in everyone's glass. Toast with me this new social class. Will this snow just be another passing note or will i finally ride it like everyone else do?