Charity

Like the old nursery story, Rapunzel stuck inside a cathedral tower, locked away, dependent on social graces. Why do you bring me here only for me to cripple at the head of the bridge? A foreigner in a foreign land. When quiet is just too damn quiet. There is only the overworked dryer keeping me company. They say don't go to sleep for when you do, you die. Pain is your friend. When you have pain, you know you are alive. What is the meaning of all this pain and solitary cell number on my door?

I miss the scent, the music in the other room, the morning wake. I can't help it. I am fading away in this missing search. These boundaries and lines so easy to cross and all I want to do is to forget this was ever my possible blessing and walk the other way. Perhaps forgetfulness will flood it all, fill you up and I would just be another blimp on your radar that was never meant to exist. Hope removed is hope meaningless. I don't know how to negotiate this anymore. I'm waiting for the next change to make this a better offer.

I stare at the screen waiting for you to go to sleep so i can turn out my lights and say goodnight. This is not cold turkey for something I did. Why does it feel like punishment and judgement? Give me back my safe haven, my home, my words and phrases to live on, my warm day in the sun and my journey yardstick and companion.

My exhaustion is setting in and my spirit is way past weary. If it's a journey better doing it together then why is this so fucking hard to get through? Why is this a living hell? And no, I know it's not going to stop. But I plead with you, God, please stop this bleeding. I have had enough. I'm losing my grip.