drown

that picture took all of the guard and left me drowned in tears on my desk, powerbook closed, sleep light glowing. why does this haunt me day after day, all these happy families, reunited, in love with one another, who will lay down their lives without a blink?

i think about my big brother. how he's laying down his life.

i am not sure if God is who I trust anymore. is it funny to YOU that I keep getting reduced every time a picture of grace and blessing meets me on this road. I can look away, draw blanks in the sand, turn to my drugs and wayward down, but this does not let me go. You don't let me go. How is it that You love me and deny me the very foundation blocks that will draw the bridge? I cannot comprehend and perhaps I am still caught up in religious romaticism. what is it YOU fucking want from me?

so near, yet so far. so close, yet so distant. so in love, yet so abandoned. please stop whispering that salvation is round the corner. take my blood from me and draw from me the life that YOU gave, for I am wretched, unworthy and unwanted anyway. snub my life from me, make it quick, make me sink and never a whimper ever to be heard. for i never want to be remembered.