i've survived many a storms like these. ridiculously long drizzles that inflict more pain than the skin to those thunderstorms out in the sea, man overboard, capsized trunk and all. but i still find myself washed up time and time again to these painful shores, wondering if mercy ever will come, if my heart will stop beating, if i could ever be normal like everyone else. i'd give anything to be happier, brighter, smarter, cruel.
i know. i know and i understand. things are different. things change. i don't blame anyone for it. i just can't get off this carousel. i'm stuck and everyone needs to move on. somehow i remember those movie scenes. the ones where the victim gets trapped by sinking sand or the swamp and mud that swallows you whole it makes even the python jealous. it feels like i have my head over the surface, just enough to breathe, but not enough to feel my limbs, turn my head or look up to the sun. halfway between heaven and hell, perhaps this is how it feels. if there really is a feeling of heaven, ever. days like these, i start thinking i don't need to be around. i'm angry enough as it is.
did you know the nights get colder when there is only one body to heat up this joint? did you know it dries everything up and this place becomes a mirage that could kill any desert wanderer? did you know everytime you leave, something in me dies. yet, i can see the effort, the reaching hands, the calls just to check in on this patient, your patience renewing everytime you come around. you still my anger, you stoke my fire, you shake the frost bite off my shoulders, you won't let me go down so easily. i'll promise to try, but i keep hemorrhaging, keep losing it with the silence, the dark night, the hum of machines that carry no company of love and routine.
give me this day my daily dosage. don't stop revealing to me the heart of the matter. go easy on me. i don't want to miss a thing.
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