counter strike

it's all in the same bag. counter intuitive, counter productive. counter everything. why would someone give their word only to turn around and say, oh but there are conditions, can you sign here and here and... i hate it cos a lot of the trust that i thought i had from the get go of someone else's suggestion. turned out to be a flabbergast swat of ubershit. it sucks cos even when the offer was made, there are all these strings attached.

distills to this one thing. that there is still no trust. NO TRUST. Not enough to have to say it again and again, that this is for community and not for personal. since when have i been purely personal. of course, i stand on the outside, crying like a widow's brickwall and it's easy to be misunderstood. why is it that there's so much i have to do to prove myself? to prove that this heart still beats and bleeds not because of my personal driven agenda but the groan of the spirit? i'll put it plainly, you cannot separate what God has made me, i come in a full package, damnation shit, curses, fuck wit cuss and all.

don't trust me. trust my God who placed me in front of you. i don't expect a full spread on a gold platter. i ain't clean like that. but when you think about your promises and the power of suggestion, think about what you are holding back. put me together with the rest of the go getting opportunist out there and you'd be making the worst mistake. for all you know, this anger might just push me to join them. for i started that way didn't i? is it then my nature to go recreate and pick up where i left off?

don't need nobody's favour. i'll do it with whatever i have. so you have no claim over this. not that this is for my personal glory. it's just less painful to have to deal with the sound of dragging feet. generosity in this context is such an insult to the spirit we preach about. fuck this.