taming this wrestle

i apologized profusely as you angrily walked out the door. in hindsight, it looked like you had your last say. and it occurred to me i have always indulged you that way. maybe it's the instinct in me, maybe i'm just too soft, maybe i just enjoy the attention in your bully.

friends have warned with wise wisdom. this indulgence will do no one any good. it has taken me so long to let what lies underneath all the crying, anguish and my framework of love to say what really needs to be said. it has been eating me away to watch your defiance get the better of you.

tonight was the perfect example of how you would rationalize everything just to get your way.

i know it is difficult to hear me say that I don't believe you when you say you are sorry. for it comes too quickly. too conveniently. all the time. and just like you said, you would rather take the blame so everyone is happy. when did it become such that you need to save the world? you said you don't want to be condescending, well there, you just made a perfect spectacle of it.

i believe your ideals and intentions in the gesture of the apology but i don't think you know why you are sorry. and you only say so because you want the both of us to be in peace. isn't that sweeping it under the carpet? isn't that just plain not listening?

no, not to me. but to what the situation is trying to tell you. or like some may say, to what the holy spirit is revealing to you. to the state of your heart.

i hate sounding like i'm lording some spirituality over you. i know i gotta tame my tongue and i'm sorry i slammed your door. my bottled up frustration lost it's cool. tonight my grace hit a negative measure and i'm sorry i hurt you.

i'm really sorry but i love you this much to fight you to the ground.

some days i'm frustrated because i realized you have lost your leadership. you get swept about by the whim of your fancy that is guiding and informing every iota of your decisions and choices. that i look on with grim anxiety to see you lay everything down in the name of love, rationalizing it, framing, manipulating it with ideals of faith. what informs your faith? is it the holy spirit or your desire to walk down the golden road in the arms of your fair maiden? the line is so fine, somedays i believe every word you say. but there's never been peace in the trouble of these times. where is the holy spirit's leadership in your life? how then will you lead us, now that you have become king?

i am not there yet myself. so i am not judging you. i am questioning. challenging you with questions that I've been afraid but need to be asked, meditated upon, to bring us back in alignment to our spiritual ligament. are you angry now that you are reading all this? is your head spinning with defenses and rational ways to be right again?

someone once told me they have no respect for those who go from mother to girlfriend to wife. i stood up in your defense for i believe you are still becoming.

the irony of it all is, that after all this, you are still rewarded with a warm blanket and sweet love in the distant chamber to last you through the night, while prophets and priests sit painfully through the deathly silence and wait for the morning to bring back the dead to life. Who is this God we worship? What kind of a God is he?

well, look who's talking? i get swept about by your whim and fancy too. for i told myself i am not going to leave like all those who have left before. now, perhaps, you understand why my leadership took a fall and i can't quite sing to lead the congregation the way i did before.

ah, the things we do for love. defies all logic, faith and rationale, our double edged sword. i have no idea how i am going to rest tonight. What is it that you want from me, My God, My Father, My Shepherd?