night light

it's a dim one but bright enough to illuminate this type pad. i don't know how to say it but the indigestion is representing something deeper calling out. how could i be crying in righteous pain and still be the very stubborn of sin myself? i am learning, though i don't know what i am understanding. unchartered, untouched and unwoven. this is perhaps my humanity reaching to fabricate what i can only imagine. commitment is a heavy thing. and i marvel and fall in love with the boys my age who find the innate capability and instinct to give and gravitate towards women who cause them nothing but trouble. that they would lay their lives, dreams, and so many at stake, just so to spend the rest of their lives centering their hearts. not just for the sex, i do believe, in the few who have taken risks beyond religion and radical faith. they inspire me, draw respect from me. yet, i fear women not so much what they will take away from me, but the unfounded decisions i might make along the way that will leave them hanging like widows and wind blown willows. how many will i maim before i grow up and find my iron and fist? i still haven't got it figured out yet, but the ones who are still figuring it out are finding arms and love to run along with. so i turn to my visual pleasures, my easy drug on grey street. sleep in the post of a tired beaten body instead of another emotional episode of watered lungs and a choked out throat. may i find renewed strength in the morning to fight, meaningless as it may seem, and find my reason to keep breathing, giving, even if a lonely road it seems i'll tread.