spin

the feeling i get when i leave the deep blue on a cold night like this. i love these little moments that extends into a strong interface of a spanner thrown into the machine to cause it to stop and take stock. my listening point, probably number umpteenth.

it's been two years, or so i remember, since i first stumbled upon our new theology of resurrection and understanding God for who He is, rather than His set of dos and don'ts through the stories in the bible. It's probably the years of brain washing, according to mum, that i am unlearning so many things on hocus pocus and still having so many questions. it's the dual questions, like ravi zacharias, in this book i am currently reading, "why does it feel so wrong when it is supposed to be right?" you can work out the other question.

that was probably why the levite's monastery had to be archived. i never knew why i did it but the instinct, or the spirit was urging me to. now i know. that ancient stories are meant to be archives to inform us of the heritage, the meaning, not as a photocopy of who and what we should do. for after all, we're called to be human beings, not human doing, as a pastor puts it ever so glibly last friday evening.

the tricky part is, we are not told what to be. it's already written in our DNA and these stories provide a blueprint to go on a journey to discover this. And i guess, the journey is the being, learning and becoming present to the now. meaning, we're never called to be clean and holy.

i can hear the guns cocking and the christian watchdog snippers ready to pull the first trigger.

am i heretic? the question that floated around was, "does God have a problem with it?"

Does He have a problem that we do not use capital letters when we refer to him?

Does he have a problem that we will fail, and yes, he knows we will, the minute we walk out the door into this bad bad world, outside the pristine, marble white washed walls and choice timber pews?

Do we spend a life trying to do the right thing? Do we spend a life escaping from the danger of failing, disappointing the 'friends' and 'congregations'?

David failed. Solomon had many wives. Peter denied Christ. Three times to make his renunciation a definition. Many lied. Many died. Many killed the wrong people in righteous anger. Many were unclean.

I'd like to find a story of one who was blameless.

So as i surveyed my own past and wonder how it will pan out in the light of the cross and what is to come, i almost shudder in fear but realized this fear is found on what men will think. Who my friends will be when my heart is lured in the face of success, glory and good rolling times? I never cared about where God is in all of this. That, in all my doing, He will still be my champion, my Father, my beginning, my end. Even if flames come burn and find out who my real friends are.

i am a little grateful that i have a few good companions who can see past the guidelines and condemnations. i am glad that we're all learning to be human beings and not play God.

He is the only one who will judge, who will snuff out, or let live.

This, is my first step walking in faith. This is the beginning of my dangerous story.

What then is my faith?